Depression, Hair Loss, and Moving (Blog Post #3)

Hello everyone and welcome to my third blog post, I’m glad you’re here! In this post I will cover what happened from my hospital admission from a pleural effusion in late May 2024 leading up to my fifth chemotherapy treatment in early August 2024. If this is your first post, you can go back to read my first blog post which covers how my diagnosis came about and the beginning stages of preparing for treatment and my second blog post which covers my first chemotherapy and hospitalization. There’s also a brief synopsis below for those that want a quick review and prefer short and to the point. :D

A review of what has happened so far: I broke my wrist in March 2024 and two weeks later I went to the Emergency Room with significant unrelenting pain in my right chest - especially when deep breathing. A CT found lung nodules, a PET scan confirmed they were cancerous. (More info in the first blog post) A bronchoscopy at the end of April confirmed that the nodules were indeed a metastasis from my cervical cancer that was diagnosed, treated, and determined to have no further evidence of disease in 2020. I had a central line placed, called a port, and had my first chemotherapy appointment in late May 2024. A few days later I ended up in the ER with more pain and difficulty breathing - this time due to pleural effusions. Managing my pain was quite an issue over the few days, but after chest tubes drained the fluid I was released a few days later. More information on those events can be found in the second blog post, otherwise that leads us to the end of May 2024.

Why it’s been so long:

I think the first point to touch on is how long it has been since I’ve given an update, and there are three primary reasons for that. First, my daughter and granddaughter came to visit from Wyoming, and I spent my time with them, which was great, and I’ll share more on that below. The second reason I’ve been a bit in hibernation is purely physical - the effects of treatment have been pretty rough for me, and I’ll talk more about that below as well. However, the primary reason that I’ve been largely missing from updating this blog and other socials is that I have been battling a substantial bout of depression. One of the reasons for creating this blog was so that other people who are experiencing cancer treatment could find something that they can relate to, and I think it’s doing a disservice if I didn’t talk about it here. In talking about this, I will briefly cover other things, like hair loss, that I will cover more later in this post, but I felt this crucial subject deserved top billing for this post.

Doing a little bit of reading in the big bed for my second chemotherapy treatment.

It’s not far-fetched that someone with cancer and undergoing cancer treatment would be depressed, in fact cancer.org says one in four cancer patients experiences depression. I think when you know more about me and my life pre reoccurrence, it's even easier to understand why these life changes have affected me so greatly. In March before my injury and subsequent diagnosis, I was at a prime spot in my life and career. I had finally finished my nursing four-year degree (BSN), I was working in my dream unit (the Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit/CVICU), I had finished my orientation on the job and was taking care of my own patients each week, and I had a 3-bedroom apartment in a city I loved, with culture, friends, and so much potential for life. I felt like I had finally reached a point where I was happy, content, stable and progressing towards my life and financial goals, and I could finally be free to relax. After years of working multiple jobs simultaneously and attending school, I finally could sit back and enjoy life. I could throw myself into my hobbies I had previously put aside to focus on school or delve into new ones that I had always been interested in. My present to myself with my first “big girl nursing paycheck” was a Cricut - and I was so excited to make things with it. I even thought that I might start a company to sell crafts online and at local fairs. I had also just started a bookstagram account to share my love of books with the world. I was attending touring broadway productions, which is something I have always loved, going to the theater. It felt like to me, the beginning of enjoying the fruits of all my hard work.

Then, in what feels like the blink of an eye, I watched that life that I had created disappear. My life changed so quickly, and I knew it wasn’t going to be the same, at least not for a long time. With my treatments I wouldn’t be able to work, which is not only unheard of for me (to not be working at least one job), but with a job I love and worked so hard to get to, it was a truly difficult fact to cope with. No working income also meant I could no longer afford my apartment, and would have to move back home, hours away. Added to that, not being able to contribute to a household leaves me with the uncomfortable feeling of being a freeloader. I will say, I am entirely grateful to my mother and other family who have helped me out in this difficult time, and feel very privileged to have the opportunity to have any sort of back up plan. However, losing what I had accomplished and worked so hard for is rough, and being pulled further away from my life and financial goals is almost painful. Watching my bank accounts dwindle to nothing, my credit cards become maxed while the bills and costs pile on is saddening. Questioning whether or not I should consider filing bankruptcy only a half-year after being in a decent spot financially was not on my 2024 Bingo, but then again, cancer treatment wasn’t either.

All of this together has weighed me down, and I’ve just felt a bit listless at home. I haven’t had much motivation to do nearly anything, including reading the books I had planned for the bookclubs for July. I have thank- you letters and correspondence to friends that I am behind on, but by the time I get out the card and pen, I’ve already lost the energy I had to complete them. I do have a cross-stitch that I work on during the day, and one for at night, and occasionally I might start a crochet project, but they usually lay there, abandoned.

There are a few times where I get a bit of motivation and perhaps I’ll shower, or clean my room, or try to find homes for our belongings in this new shared space. A majority of the time I spend in bed, or in my recliner, resting or rewatching some old show, like Buffy or Charmed or Below Deck. Of course, a lot of my depression also stems from my treatments and effects of my treatment, which I would like to discuss now, but before I do I would like to give a thank you to the following people: Kris, Tamara, Mark, and Christina, who all let me talk honestly about my depression. I hope that this post can bring to others what these people have done for me, in having feelings validated and seen. You’re not alone if you’re going through something like this, and you don’t have to keep it bottled up or act like everything is okay. Reach out to others, no matter what side you're on. 

This brings us to the second biggest reason I’ve been absent: my treatments and effects of my treatment. Since the last post, I’ve had three more chemo treatments and later today I head out of town for my fifth over-all treatment on Monday. Now that I live back at home with my mother, my treatments are an almost four hour drive away. My family has rotated who has taken me, and we generally get a hotel room the night before, since my treatments start at 8AM. The treatments themselves are not horrible, with the exception of having to have my hands and feet on ice for a majority of the time to prevent peripheral neuropathy. Otherwise, it’s just long and frankly, boring. One time I did bring Wingspan to play, and we did get through one round. I don’t recommend that particular game to try to play during chemotherapy though, due to size and number of pieces. Overall though, there isn’t a lot to say about the treatments themselves. The three weeks between treatments is where the real action is. 

Generally speaking, the first week after treatment is pretty rough and I spend a lot of time in bed, mostly sleeping. I generally do not have an appetite, my stomach is incredibly volatile, and there is significant bone pain and discomfort. I still have my pain medication and other medications to navigate symptoms, but there’s only so much that can be mitigated. There are hospital style vomit bags within reach no matter where I am, as well as a bedside commode just a few steps away from my bed, just in case I can’t make it in time or someone is in the restroom and I can’t hold it. I’d like to say that this is just a precaution, but I’m thankful for this set up, and it has saved me more than once already, as well as even been too far itself at times. This time period contributes greatly to my depression as well as to my hatred of having chemotherapy treatment this time around. When I had cancer treatment before, I was uncomfortable and had unfavorable side effects, but it’s nothing quite like this first week. I have truly understood why people decide to not do chemo when the benefit isn’t worth it, because it takes all of my effort to get through these times. I’m thankful to my mother and children who help me with the most mundane things during this chaotic time.

The second week after treatment has been varied, but has mostly been a continuation of symptoms, although most of the time they are to a lesser extent. This is generally the time when I’m able to eat an actual meal, and I might even be able to keep it down! As an effect of this back and forth game with food, and in true cancer patient form, I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds. This is perfectly acceptable to me though, as a result of the first round of chemotherapy and radiation pushed me into post-menopause and the delightful loss of acceptable metabolism, and I had gained nearly 50 pounds since treatment. Towards the end of the second week and into the third week is when I might have a reprieve from side effects and might feel well enough for a trip out of the house, although it’s generally to go to the store or something small like that. I still have back pain and general weakness, so long trips can be exhausting for me. There has been a time or two where I have felt unwell into the third week, which is the most depressing thing when you’re nearing your next chemo appointment. 

A quick trip to the beach with my daughter and granddaughter - she loved the ocean!

Then the third reason that I was away for a bit - my daughter and granddaughter came from Wyoming to visit for a few weeks. It was great to have them here, and I was able to manage up enough energy to even go to the local aquarium as well as the beach with them, which was my granddaughter’s first time! I also used this time to finally finishing crocheting a blanket I had started a long time ago for her. Any extra time when I had energy was obviously spent with them, and so that’s the third main reason I’ve been neglectful in updates, although this one is a much better reason to be away that I would gladly have any day!

Everything else that has happened since my last update:

One of the biggest things that has happened since my last update has been the loss of my hair. I was told prior to treatment that within two weeks of the first treatment of my chemo cocktail I would lose my hair, and they were not wrong. I spent the first week of June 2024 removing and trashing pockets of my hair that had fallen out during washing, brushing, running my fingers through my hair, or somehow even from a wayward look. On June 7th I visited some beauty supply shops to look at wigs. I was able to purchase three wigs on this trip, and thanks to you beautiful friends and family, have been gifted more. It’s been a hot summer, and I’ve only been able to wear them on a few occasions, but am excited to wear them more frequently as the weather cools! The night before my second treatment I shaved off the remainder of what hadn’t yet fallen out. I was told it will start to grow back about three months after my last treatment, and thankfully I have wigs, cute hair caps, and hats to keep my head warm during those winter months.

Finished my first crochet blanket - this one is for my granddaughter!

My second chemotherapy treatment was June 11th, and my friend Sam came along and kept me company the whole time. Sam was quite lucky - normally they have the patient in a chair and they have a tiny little booth for a guest to sit, but on this occasion they put us in a room with a hospital bed and Sam was able to have a normal sized chair. Everyone else who has had to sit on the little booth has said how jealous they were! Another big thing happened that same week: I moved back home to the beach where I grew up and to live with my mother. I am so thankful to my friends, family, and even friends of family that helped me move all of our things. I remember I was still so tired and weak, and I still wasn’t supposed to lift things with my arm, so I couldn’t help and it was so hard to sit there while other people did the work and heavy lifting. However, I am so fortunate that everyone was willing and able to help. It has been difficult to move into another home, and we definitely still have boxes to unpack, but we have settled into our rooms and some sort of routine over the past few months. The girls are currently in driver’s ed, and will be starting school in the next few weeks.

I had my third chemo on July 2nd and my fourth on July 23rd. As treatments go, they have been fairly routine. However now being so far away, it’s been a trip each time. My mother drove up to the appointment in the beginning of July and my sister came with me for the first time on July 23rd. It’s a long drive, and the costs add up with gas and a hotel room, but there are some perks to each trip. Where we live doesn’t have a lot of variety in dining options, and it’s always nice to have a decent dinner before my appointments. Also, everyone has been able to go to McKay’s with me, which is one of my favorite stores. It’s a secondhand book/movie/game store that has great prices and a wonderful selection, and I generally like to bring a few things to sell back when I go. Generally we drive up the night before, and drive back after chemo. I generally get finished around four, so we get home around eight or nine at night. It’s a quick up and back, but thankful I have family that can go with me.

I think that’s pretty much it right now for news in my life. I’ve got to get packed and head out for my next chemo appointment. I hope everyone has been enjoying this hot summer and I’ll see you around next time!